The heaviness in my heart was too much to bear.I bet my weight would have shot up to 100 kg if I weighed myself. Looking around, I saw judgy eyes looking at me.You know the way you can pick someone from a crowd to have a small talk with? I could not see a best fit for a small talk then. Hatred filled the atmosphere,I could smell it as it forced itself through my nostrils.The pain it left behind as it reached my lungs was just too much.I got tired of feeling pain.
I had lost love, lost peace, lost trust from my family. I felt alone and needed someone to give me a helping hand,someone to show me direction ,someone to light my path so I could see,someone to show me the right path to follow,someone to assure me that I am on the right track,someone to bring my bones back to life.Depression knocked. I met Him on the night of first January 2016.
As I laid on the couch that night waiting to watch groove awards, my heart yearned for something-something that I did know and did not know at the same time but all I knew was ,I craved for peace,love ,attention and care which no one was willing to give me at that time.
The good thing is, I had set a date with someone special that night of first January 2016 and when the moment came! The excitement was surreal.The joy in my heart, I confess, was on another level. His appearance made my heart leap and his glance was full of so much love and pity reminding me of how much I had gone through.
As his eyes penetrated my wounded heart, I could feel the lacerations stitching and the pain going down. “All I want is for you to look at me like that forever,” I thought to myself. What followed was a deep conversation that I have never had with anyone-so refreshing and relieving.
The heaviness in my heart suddenly disappeared. I could not hold back my tears anymore. They rolled down my cheeks forcibly. Clearly, then was the right time for them to come out. I was grateful that eventually I found someone who could listen with understanding and empathize with me. Standing in front of me was the solution I have been looking for. He proposed and if you understand the meaning of “no hesitation” then you know the rate at which my ”yes” came out of my mouth.
On his face, I saw a smile, a genuine smile exuding pure love. It was like my “yes” was the only thing he was waiting for and from how He spoke, my heart felt protected. I was assured of his intention for my life and that melted my heart.
Shocked by how on earth someone could still see me as special.
He grabbed my right hand by surprise and slightly kissed the back of my hand. That got me, I swear, and it was the best feeling I had in such a long time. Peace clouded my heart and I was very excited to start this new journey and to be a good girl once again.
Above all, I wanted my family’s love back more than anything. He left and there I was, alone.
For some moment I felt, no ,this is not what I wanted. I do not want commitments! Does it mean that I will not be able to do some things in my life? Oh no? What have I signed up for? Will I enjoy my life? What is the meaning of living if you have to be under rules like do not do this, do not do that!? but a memory struck me and changed my perception.Someone once said that, It is okay to have such fears.
The journey with Him has been great! challenging but not the way I expected it to be. I thought I was to just be present in the relationship and everything ran smoothly but No, it required putting in work and sacrifice.
I needed to seek him every time through prayers and reading His word because that’s how the relationship grows. It is always more about Him and less about me(sounds selfish but worthwhile) and when one gives herself fully to him everything in her life stays under his control and the peace that he promises in his word – that which surpasses all the understanding becomes her guard (Philippians 4:7).
Getting to know him every day and every time has been the most interesting thing ever and I can say for sure He is sweet having tasted his goodness (Psalms 34:8). He has kept me in check. Even though there are times I get so lost in the things of the world, He has always been patient with me, understanding and always lets me in His life again and again.
I remember several months after we met I fell sick and thought well could the punishment for my deeds come so late.I knew I deserved it but did not expect it, Him being kind, generous, and loving, He sent His word and I got healed. How GREAT! Sometimes I think of the much He has done in my life and feel indebted to Him. “Will I ever leave Him?! ” ” No!”.
The relationship is not as perfect and we may not be the power couple people are looking for but we embrace our imperfections! I love you God.Thank you for being in my life.
To the reader- a special thanks for reading through!